one of those nights.

We don’t know when inspiration will hit. But when it does, you know it when you see it. Today it came in the form of a fire pit, cigarettes, and lots of alcohol. I guess I’m just dramatic like that. Go figure.

People love to tell you things will get better; there’s a light at the end of every tunnel. Name a cliché and someone will throw it at you. It never fails. Every stupid adage at the bottom the barrel will be scraped up and plastered all over you. But sometimes, a lot of those times, those sayings don’t help.

Sometimes you just want to hear that life’s rough. The shit you’re going through is tough. Life is kicking your ass and there’s no way to fight back. You keep taking more and more punches and you’re almost at your breaking point. We all know a lot of people have it much worse, that’s true. Even if it seems like you’re going through the worst of it, it’s still hard to feel bad for yourself. That’s normal. That’s what I try to tell myself anyways.

You know the nights I’m talking about. Sitting back, put on some sad music, and get deep into your feelings. You reflect about simpler times. Back when you had almost no responsibilities, no cares. Life was easy. You relive each blissful moment, every happy memory. Wishing time travel was a real and that you can just jump in that beautiful machine.

Self-imposed anxiety feels like an inescapable prison. It shackles every fiber of your well-being and constrains it until it withers and dies. The more you fight it, the stronger it gets. It’s like a giant cloud constantly hovering over you, dimming your light. It’s quicksand with no rope to save you. The more you run from it, the bigger and faster the monster gets.

Despite knowing deep down that you have a support system, you feel so alone. This is the kind of anxiety you can only fight alone. Despite all the help you’re offered, none of it truly helps. The journey back from this dark place isn’t a linear process by any means. It’s constant flip-flopping back and forth from temporary bliss and progress to despair and emptiness. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve taken a small, baby step forward. Then have it immediately followed by two leaping bounds backwards.

There’s no expiration date for this feeling. There’s no timeline for the fight back to normalcy. It might be a day; it might be a year. Only one person can dictate how you feel, and that’s you. Whatever the cause may be, only you singularly control how you react. When you’re feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, just remember you’re not going to feel better all at once. I know I said a lot about the clichés and anecdotes, but I was once told something that stuck to me more than anything. I was going through, in my head, the worst time of my life. My friend offered one bit of advice and said, “The goal is to get one percent better everyday.”

I know life sucks sometimes. It really does, there’s no lie in that. Life is hard. Things get tough sometimes. And sometimes you’re going to go through rough patches. It’s okay. Be sad. You deserve it. But everyday that passes, try to take part of that sadness and throw it away. Granted it won’t work everyday, but eventually you’ll break it up so much that the despair will disappear. By the end of it all you’ll appreciate every moment that brought to that point. I promise.

2 thoughts on “one of those nights.

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    1. I don’t think we start in this place. I think of it more like bottomless pit. An ever consuming, self-depreciating, self-loathing hole that drags you down.

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